Loneliness can make even simple tasks, like shopping, an ordeal.
Loneliness can lead to excessive drinking or binge eating, to suppress those unpleasant feelings. It can lead to depression and rumination, as you dwell on the question, “Why am I alone?” It can also lead to hopelessness. Studies of loneliness have highlighted how an inability to communicate can bring about a feeling that “the soul is incarcerated in an insufferable prison”. This was reflected in our study too. Many of our participants said they had trouble communicating because they simply didn’t have the tools required to convey such complicated emotions and cause you to lose your much deeper loving feelings.
Have you had the experience of feeling lonely—like there’s no one around and no one to talk to, as you sink into a state of sadness or anxiety that you fear you’ll never get over?
Does this feeling overwhelm you at times?
Loneliness, loss and regret: what getting old really feels like – new study.
If you’ve had such a sense of loss or feelings of loneliness, or forgotten about you are far from alone. Loneliness is one of the most common, if unpleasant emotions that millions
of people experiences. For some, it may be a passing emotion. For others, it’s a recurring sense of desperation and sadness. But for all of us, it’s part of being human.
Loneliness can lead to excessive drinking or binge eating, to suppress those unpleasant feelings. It can lead to depression and rumination, as you dwell on the question, “Why am I alone?” It can also lead to hopelessness. But having a strategy to deal with loneliness can be an important safeguard against depression, substance abuse, or even making bad choices for partners.
Let’s take a look at seven ways you can cope with feelings of loneliness:
1. Normalize loneliness.
As John Cacioppo, a researcher in the field of loneliness, points out, loneliness is on the rise—from 11 percent to 20 percent in the 1970s and 1980s to 40 percent to 45 percent
in 2010. So you’re not alone in feeling lonely. As widespread and increasingly frequent loneliness is, we must recognize that we need to have strategies for coping with it.
Perhaps the recent breakdown of connectedness can be related to the decline of family connections, higher divorce rates, people moving more frequently, the decline in church attendance, or declining participation in organizations like the PTA and labor unions.
As Harvard social historian Robert Putnam illustrated in his book, Bowling Alone, people in the 1950s would participate in things like bowling leagues, but now they bowl alone.
2. Relate loneliness to your values of connection.
It may sound invalidating, but we can also ask, “What is loneliness good for?” I would suggest that loneliness reminds us of the value of connection, intimacy, or simply sharing experiences with others. We evolved to live in smaller communities with daily face-to-face contact and shared child-rearing. That has changed for most people, but loneliness may remind you of the fact that you value connecting with other people, and that this value is an important part of being human. Don’t give up on connection when you are feeling lonely.
3. Have a plan.
The first part of developing a plan is to identify your “trouble times” for loneliness.
It might be evenings, weekends, or holidays. Have a plan in advance for these times.
On weekends, you might make plans with friends or family; you might go to museums, concerts, bike rides, guided walks, church or synagogue events, or connect with people on Meetup.com or other sites. I like thinking of turning yourself into a tourist for a day or a night. Or if your worrisome time is at night, have a plan for a couple of nights each week when you might connect with someone; it could simply be on Skype. Plan some videos to watch, music to listen to, attend a yoga class, join a health club, take up a hobby.
A friend of mine, who is incredibly resilient, took up the guitar and swimming—separately—at the age of 68. He experiences great enthusiasm with these activities. What’s your plan?
4. You don’t need someone else to do something rewarding.
So often people will say, “I have no one to do things with.” You don’t need someone else to go to the movies, go for a walk, work out, go to a concert, or take up a new hobby. Some people say, “I feel self-conscious doing these things by myself.” Try to identify what those self-conscious thoughts are—they may be things like, “People will see me alone and think that I’m pathetic.” But how do you know what others think? And even if they did think that, why should you care? Maybe doing things alone means you are independent, empowered, and free.
In fact, doing something by yourself might actually be a good way to meet new people. Imagine that you are at a museum or bookstore, and you start talking to someone next to you about a painting or a book. Or imagine that you are taking a cooking or yoga class and start talking to people. Empower yourself by getting out and realizing that you don’t need someone else to do things with. You have yourself.
5. Identify your loneliness thoughts.
Write down some of the thoughts that you have when you are lonely.
These might include thoughts like those above, or the following:
I will always be alone.
If I am alone, I have to feel lonely and unhappy.
I must be a loser because I am alone.
I can’t stand feeling lonely.
If you have these or other negative thoughts, then you are like millions of other people
who feel stopped in their tracks by loneliness. But you can try some of these rational and helpful responses:
You are only alone for these moments (minutes, hours), and you will be interacting with other people soon—at work, waiting in line, talking to a friend, or participating in an activity. You are not on a deserted island.
Just because you are alone doesn’t mean that you have to feel sad and lonely. You can look at it as an opportunity to do some things that you like. You might enjoy having the peace to read something you like, listen to your own music, cook your favorite food, watch your favorite movie, or visit a museum at your own pace.
The idea that you are a “loser” because you are alone making no sense:
Everyone is alone at some time. And as recent research shows, about 45 percent of people experience loneliness. Being alone is a situation—and situations change.
The idea that you cannot stand being alone also doesn’t make sense. It may be true that you don’t like being alone, but it’s the way you relate to it that matters. If you relate to loneliness with protest, anger, desperation, or defeat, then it will be unpleasant. It might be more helpful to relate to it with the idea that feeling lonely or being alone comes and goes and that it is something we all cope with. Accepting what is might be better than catastrophizing something we all experience.
6. Direct compassion and tenderness toward yourself.
Rather than thinking that you need to rely on others for love, acceptance,
and compassion, you might direct these thoughts and feelings toward yourself.
This can include acts of loving kindness toward yourself such as making yourself a healthful treat or buying yourself a simple gift; directing loving thoughts toward yourself by giving yourself support for being who you are and by being your own best friend; and by recalling a loving person from your childhood (your mother, grandmother, father, aunt) whom you recall showing tenderness toward you. Taking care of yourself and soothing yourself is a wonderful antidote for loneliness.
7. Build a community of connectedness.
We all need some connection with other people—or even animals. So many people—friends, family, patients—have told me how much love and connection they experience with their pets. So consider getting a cat or a dog. Or go to your local animal shelter and offer to volunteer. One woman I know volunteered for several months at a shelter, “socializing the kittens.” Talk about great work to have.
Another way of connecting is to do volunteer work, because we all need to be needed.
You can search online in your community for volunteer organizations that correspond to your interests. Perhaps it’s working with kids, older people, cancer patients, or the poor.
I doubt you will feel lonely when you are showing kindness toward someone.
And make plans to see people. (This includes using social media.)
Just because you haven’t been in contact much lately doesn’t mean you can’t take the initiative. Or join organizations where people share your interests—political, cultural, religious, or social. Being alone doesn’t mean you have to feel lonely. And feeling lonely doesn’t mean that you have to feel that way indefinitely.
All emotions pass, depending on what you’re thinking and what you’re doing.
5 causes of dis-ease, nutrition, mind, environment, energy or physical. Always a combination;
it’s the basic fundamental- we treat all these areas in one session, in the MikuClinic | Facebook. Known as The 5 Godai in Japanese Integrated Medicine. Kimmy Dobak
These 5 areas bring balance or disease, and each one affects the others –
We can’t have an imbalance in one, without affecting the other
Mind Body Spirit Healing Energies – Bing video
Malaise is a mercy that feels yucky.
Isaiah 5:20 New International Version
20 Woe to those who call evil good
and good evil,
who put darkness for light
and light for darkness,
who put bitter for sweet
and sweet for bitter.
Read full chapter
Isaiah 5:20 in all English translations
Malaise is that feeling you get when you’re getting sick but you don’t quite know it yet.
It’s a vague sense of dis-ease. Your energy is draining. You just want to lie down.
Emotionally, you might feel discouraged, irritable, depressed, or cynical for no
identifiable reason. You ask yourself, “What’s the matter with me?”
Precisely what you’re supposed to ask.
Malaise is the early warning system God designed for the body. It’s telling you something destructive is attacking your bodily systems. It’s a messenger running ahead of an invading enemy alerting us to get our defenses in place.
The soul also has its diseases and they are more deadly than the body’s. Soul diseases attack our belief systems. Corrupted beliefs can be very serious if left untreated. They grow and spread, wreaking destruction in us. And when contagious, as they frequently are, they harm others. Such diseases can result in soul-death.
Mercifully, there is a malaise of the soul. I’ll bet you know what I mean.
Because hope is to the soul what energy is to the body, soul-malaise manifests
itself as a flagging hope in God. It’s a vague, doubtee, spiritual discouragement.
You wouldn’t describe it as a crisis of faith. You might also avoid talking about it
because it’s hard to describe. You just feel spiritually sluggish.
You don’t feel like doing anything spiritually significant.
You ask yourself, “What’s the matter with me?” F.J.B.
Precisely what you’re supposed to ask. This malaise is the early warning system
God designed for the soul. It’s telling you something destructive is attacking your
belief systems. It’s a messenger running ahead of an invading enemy alerting
us to get our defenses in place.
So what should we do when we experience soul-malaise?
Similar to bodily malaise, we pray and get prayed for, get plenty of rest,
seek to identify the source (what is draining my hope in God?), head to God’s pharmacy (the Bible) for some meds (promises) and if needed (as it often is) we get some help from soul-physicians (friends or pastors) who are skillful at treating these diseases.
It’s not wise to ignore malaise. Left unchecked you will get sicker.
Keep a close watch on yourself and on the teaching (1 Timothy 4:16)
It’s up to you.
Consistency is Key
By Allie Stockton
I believe in consistency.
When my day is going bad the answer is consistency. When I’m sad I turn to consistency. When I’m happy I can always use a little more consistency. When I’m tired, the answer is consistency. Consistency plays one of the most important roles in my life, without it.
I would be lost.
Every time I go to a restaurant I get the same thing. If I go to a tropical smoothie.
I have the same consistent thing. At Chick-Fil-A I always order a six-count nugget meal with Polynesian sauce. At Buffalo Wild Wings consistency means six boneless honey bbq wings with fried pickles. I don’t switch it up unless I am feeling extraordinarily adventurous because I need consistency.
I believe that consistency matters in friendships.
My best friend has been my best friend for eight years. Consistency in friendships is important because it builds reliability and if ever there is a disagreement, there are habits to fall back on. My best friend and I focus on keeping things the same a lot. We spend time in the gym together. She comes over at least three times a week for dinner. We have even done the same handshake before every single basketball game since 7th grade because we believe consistency is key. Basketball has helped me to develop many consistent habits. Always having a practice to go to or a next season or another team has kept me consistent.
Consistency is not just important in friendships, but in all relationships.
Consistency with my parents is important. Everything I do with my mom runs off of consistency. When we go to Starbucks, we get the same drink because we found one that works so why change it? We vacation at the same place each year so we know what to expect. When we are out of town for AAU tournaments, we always order the same dinner. My relationship with my dad is just as consistent. You can find us at Culvers every Friday at noon because we need that type of consistency. We talk about school and basketball, but mostly basketball. My parents are at every basketball game of mine because they believe in consistently supporting me.
I believe and I know that I have to have consistency.
Without consistency I fall apart. Being consistent helps me to build routines that keep
me on a path to success. My commitment to the gym and to strength training has helped
me find success on the court. My commitment to rigorous classes and Sidney High School
has helped me find success in the classroom. Some people might argue that keeping things
so consistent would make me less able to overcome obstacles and setbacks. I disagree.
I have experienced setbacks and overcome obstacles because I believe in consistently returning to what I know will work. Barely anything in my life that I can control changes. Those things that do change will be met with routine and consistency because I believe consistency is key. Whether you find me in a gym, on court, at Starbucks, or in line at Chick-Fil-A … you know what you can expect – consistency with a smile!!! 🙂
Allie Stockton is a senior at Sidney High School.
She is the daughter of Cara and Henry Stockton. She is a member of National
Honor Society, Key Club, Spanish Club, Student Government, FFA and Jacket Pack.
She is looking forward to this fall when she will attend the University of Findlay
to study Physical Therapy and play basketball.
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