BY Ken Goubeaux
Two things happened to me in 2006.
I went to pray in Carey, Ohio and received the vision for this blog and lost my father on April 3rd to Leiomyosarcoma. “However, my story started back in October 1991 when my father was first diagnosed with bladder cancer and had it scoped and they took out a tumor which they told him at the time they had to leave just a stem, because they didn’t want to cut into the bladder wall for obvious reason.
After this surgery they gave him radium treatments which always made him feel bloated. So long story short he never really felt it necessary to change his lifestyle or diet.
But was fortunate to survive cancer two more times and the third being a tumor up by the breastbone which they decided to fry it with radiation. Then it was only a year later it came back. I remember to this day, that day being February 24, 2005, my mom and sister took him to Ohio State and found out it was terminal. They told him he had a year and that it was Leiomyosarcoma; it was a rare type; only 4 in a million get this type.
A Reason, a season and a lifetime!!!
So, it was nearly the end of the terminal dx — when I went to The Shrine in Carey, Ohio.
When I myself was going through severe depression and went there to pray for a peace of mind. Because it seemed about every time, I was about to dig myself out of the dark hole
I fell deeper back into it. So, on the way home from mass that day I was handed a vision for this blog. Which I thought was brilliant but at the time I didn’t know how to type let alone computers or the internet, but it didn’t stop me.
And boy, oh girl and boy after that date I learned that when the student is ready the teachers would appear. From Mant Prowg in Kettering at half price books to everyone
else I met along my healing path. Mant “That Chinamen” owning a business that came here and went through his own form of culture shock because of the American Diet provided me the basis for Solitarius.org.”
(Written in abstract) It is rarely talked about, but I want to talk about it. Whenever you will ask for advice, they will ask you to let it go as if it is so easy. I want to talk about the efforts it takes to let someone go.
It takes every bit of us to decide that we are going to give up on the person we love the most. I will not talk about the situations that lead a relationship to its end. It is scary to even imagine living a life that we have dreamed of living with someone. It is so difficult to imagine it without that person. These are the situations of a dilemma when you don’t see clearly what is right for you.
Sometimes, we don’t get the chance to choose. We are left with no choice. They leave us in the middle of nowhere. This is when we hear from everyone to stop worrying and just let it go. “Take a deep breath, and let it go.” As if we don’t know it already. But what about the heart that is bleeding? What about the memories that are haunting us every night? What about the broken dream?
It takes years of pain. Missing them becomes a part of our lives. It hurts. It is a gradual process. It is easier said than done. Forgiving is easy, forgetting isn’t. We can do everything that is in our hands. We can stop stalking them, we can stop looking at their pictures, we can delete the number and chats. But the heart wants what it wants. We cannot stop ourselves from missing them in the middle of the night. We cannot stop ourselves from dreaming about the time when everything was alright.
Only hope helps us at that time. Only the belief in ourselves. I agree that it is not easy, but it is not impossible. And just because it is tough, it doesn’t become a bad choice. You took the right steps. You can do it. You are not alone. I am always with you. My heart goes to you. Trust yourself.
Existential Crisis
I was also having a small (or not-so-small) existential crisis.
Turning 40 was uneventful but being 45 was another matter entirely.
2006 felt more significant somehow, and I was convinced that I was a selfish jerk.
My dad was dying, and I was freaking out about who I was as a person, what I had done, what I had left to do and who I wanted to be. There were accomplishments, successes even, behind me. But my present felt like one failure.
The future seemed hazy.
I lay awake at night convinced I wasn’t doing enough while knowing that I couldn’t do more. I was worn down, stifled by who I was turning out to be. Grief weighed me down, and work. I was managing everything while admitting that I didn’t know how to deal with anything—an insecure, anxiety-ridden mess trudging haltingly from one day to the next with no plan for the future.
Changes and Changing
I wasn’t changing until I had changed. Without realizing it, my priorities shifted.
I was growing little by little, becoming another version of me. What was happening to me happens to all of us. Our lives can change suddenly and unexpectedly or so slowly that we hardly notice. We have to figure out how to move forward—to continue—even in the most awful of situations.
That moving forward requires a refashioning of who you are. It feels like every time I’ve figured out who I am, life happens, and I’m left scrambling to figure it out again and again and again. It’s an endless process. I’m never as settled as I think I am. Neither are you. Cancer of a loved one, in the beginning, during and aftermath it changes you.
Our lives aren’t static.
They can’t be because our experiences, good or ill, change us.
Those experiences can define who we are. And we can’t move backward to a time before. It’s simply not possible. There’s a before and an after, and I, you, we, all live in the after.
And you never know what is going to come along and change your life.
Sometimes, it’s the birth of a child or the death of a loved one, a chronic illness, getting a job or losing one, starting a relationship or ending one, a big move or those terrible things that are hard to speak of. Sometimes, it’s small changes that gradually shift who you are before you even notice.
While some of us might seem to have a clear sense of who we are or that we know what
we are doing, we don’t. Because, as they say, shit happens. How we react and respond changes us. We are different on the other side. How could we not be?
Unending change is exhausting. I understand why some folks try to resist or persist as
if everything is still the way it was. But change changes us…whether we want it to or not.
We all have to figure out how to carry on and to be the new person we are now.
Growing and Growth
And here I am once again realizing that I am not who I used to be. My dad’s death, Life turns on us at 50, the pandemic, then turning 60 also made me realize Life is a Hologram, nothing is what it seems, and a host of other things made me someone new again. Some of the changes creeped up on me; others smacked me in the face (A death of a Godmother, or another favorite Aunt, a first cousin you were close to or that of best friend your life ends).
I soon realized that I can’t change back. I once again would have to figure out how to move forward with my grief about life’s exhaustion and also circling doubts about whether
who I am is who I need to be.
I’m changing. I’m growing. And It kind of sucks.
And yet, I can’t get a Taylor Swift lyric from her song, “the 1,” (Official Lyric Video) out of my head. It echoes in my mind. She sings, “If you never bleed, you’re never gonna grow.” There’s some truth in her lyrics. We can’t ignore the things that happened to us—those that make us bleed and those that don’t. I know I can’t. And I, like every other human being, have to figure out what comes next.
I have to figure out how to grow and then actually grow.
If I am ever going to become the person that I need to be at this very exact moment. Growth requires that we change to fit into the present and get ready for the future.
Our past defines us. It can lead to growth—if we don’t let it hold us back. Now, know,
growth is not easy, but it’s necessary to become the people we need to be now and later.
We can only grow if we let ourselves. Hopefully, we grow into better versions of ourselves.
We might even outgrow who we once were, shucking who we were to be who we are now.
That’s okay. Sometimes, it feels right. Sometimes, it hurts.
Realizing there are only really three types of people. Those that are Overbearing & Controlling, those that are Contrary & Selfish and those like me who are caring from the wisdom of time. and wanting it all to turn out alright. Like Midnight of Halloween Night tilts from summer to the winter sky. Growing and outgrowing time haunts us and is part
of being human. At least, that’s what I tell myself as I wait to see who I become next.
T R E A S U R E S from H E A V E N !
It has been estimated that 3 people around the world will die every second, per the Population Institute of the United Nations. This means that by the time you finish reading this post, over nine hundred people will have died. For the next 5 minutes, I want you to imagine what it would be like if these were YOUR last moments alive.
After all, someone in your city will likely die in the next few minutes.
It could be me or it could be you. We Are All Running Out of Time…Why not YOU?
The Unfortunate Thing About Life IS THAT IT HAS AN ENDING. “BUCKET LIST?”
When you die, someone will place a sheet or a blanket over your head. An ambulance may take you to the hospital for an autopsy. The undertaker will be called, and arrangements will be made to place you in a grave. People will come to the funeral and shed tears over your lifeless body. They will look at your cold, blank face and mourn, but you will be gone. They will slowly drive to a cemetery with your body in a casket. At the cemetery, they will carry your casket to a hole in the ground and lower it down. People will cry. The men will cover your casket with dirt and a tombstone.
Your name, the date of your birth, and today’s date will be on the stone. the people will leave, recover, and perhaps someday, forget that your body is there. Your five minutes are almost gone, so I must get to the point. When your time is up and you have died, where are YOU going ? We have already decided where your body is going, but what about our soul ? Will you be in Heaven or a Devil’s Hell ? Oh, yes, you will be in one place or the other.
So, in these remaining minutes, I will tell you what to do to get to the place of your choice.
IF your choice is a Devil’s Hell, do nothing ! You have already done enough ! ”
For the wages of sin is death; . . .” (Romans 6:23a) ”
The wicked shall be turned into Hell . . .” (Psalm 9:17)
IF, however, you choose to go to Heaven, you must do several things…
First, you must believe you are a sinner.
“For ALL have sinned, and come short of the glory of GOD;” (Romans 3:23)
Secondly, you must believe you deserve to go to a Devil’s Hell. “Wherefore, as by on man (Adam) sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon ALL men, for that ALL have sinned:” (Romans 5:12)
The third thing that you must do is to repent (turn to GOD from your sins) of your sins. “. . . As I live, saith the LORD GOD, I have no pleasure in the death of the wicked; but that the wicked turn from his way and live . . .” (Ezekiel 33:11)
You must also believe JESUS died to pay for your sins. “For I delivered unto you first of all that which I also received, how that CHRIST died for our sins according to the Scriptures; and that He was buried, and that HE rose again the third day according to the Scriptures:” (1st.Corinthians 15:3-4)
“But GOD commend Eth HIS love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners,
CHRIST died for us. ” (Romans 5:8)
Finally, you need to trust JESUS to be your personal LORD and SAVIOR.
“For whosoever shall call upon the name of the LORD shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13)
Your time is so short in this world ! Your decisions were your own personal responsibility.
“And as it is appointed unto men once to die, but after this the judgment:” (Hebrews 9:27)
Heart – Stairway to Heaven – Live at Kennedy Center Honors. FULL VERSION
In the End: It’s Your Hide You Have to take to the Market…
So, I will tell you what you must do to go to Heaven.
Confess directly to GOD in prayer that you know JESUS died for you on the cross, was buried and resurrected, and now sits at the right hand of GOD the FATHER. Ask HIM to help you turn from your unbelief and to come into your heart and save you for JESUS’ sake. “That if thou shalt confess with thy mouth the LORD JESUS, and shalt believe in thine heart that GOD hath raised HIM from the dead, thou shalt be saved.” (Romans 10:9)
Did you receive JESUS as your personal LORD and SAVIOR ? If you did, and your life ended right now, you would be in Heaven for all eternity. ” These things have I written unto you that believe on the name of the SON of GOD; that ye may KNOW that ye HAVE eternal life, and that ye may believe on the name of the SON of GOD.” (1st.John 5:13)
You must acknowledge your sins, repent, and admit
that you are a sinner in need of forgiveness.
HOW LONG IS ETERNITY-HOW LONG IS FOREVER?
