Amy Ettinger would have turned 50 on May 15, and wrote beautifully about how she had no regrets about how she had lived her life. She had a history of embracing creative risk and adventure and wrote how putting friends and family first allowed her to face her terminal cancer diagnosis with a deep gratitude for the life she loved.
Amy’s approach to life inspired her friends, her writing community, her students, and her readers. As her husband Dan wrote, Amy was “flooded with responses,” to her first Washington Post essay, “which essentially asked: What would your life look like if you cared much less about what other people think of you? Could life be ‘a series of moments,’ and not the endless pursuit of stability over bliss, or working for some long-delayed dream of post-retirement fulfillment?”
“I’ve always tried to say ‘yes’ to the voice that tells me I should go out and do something now,” Amy wrote. “Even when that decision seems wildly impractical.”
Amy embodied that philosophy when she rode in a clunking old ice cream truck through the streets of Bensonhurst as part of her country-wide investigation into America’s favorite dessert in her 2017 book, Sweet Spot: An Ice Cream Binge Across America. And she showed that spirit when she packed up her bags and took her husband and daughter on an impromptu trip to a goat farm in central Oregon to see a solar eclipse. Her credo was this: “Money always comes back, but if you miss out on an experience, the opportunity may never come back.”
It brought Amy immense joy when she saw others taking chances, choosing adventure and happiness, making the most of their lives. In honor of her, and in the hope of keeping the inspiration she shared with all of us while she lived, let’s share how we plan to Live Like Amy.
Amy Jordana Ettinger, a beloved Bay Area author and writing teacher, died Monday morning at her home in Santa Cruz. She was 49. The cause of death was leiomyosarcoma, a rare form of cancer. Only 1,200 cases are reported in the United States per year. She was born May 15, 1974, in Rochester, New York. Her family moved to Cupertino in 1978. She attended Cupertino High School, where she was involved in the drama program and orchestra before she finally found her calling with journalism.
While still in high school, Ettinger was selected as one of the five “Our So Called Lives” columnists for the San Jose Mercury News, detailing the angst and struggles of Generation X. She was an alumna of UC Santa Cruz (Merrill ’95, American literature) where she majored in American Literature, and later received her Masters degree in journalism in Northwestern University in 1999. Ettinger worked as a daily news reporter for the Monterey Herald before becoming a freelance writer, contributing work to the New York Times, the Washington Post, New York Magazine, Salon, CNN, Newsweek, AARP, and many other high-profile publications.
Her nonfiction book Sweet Spot: An Ice Cream Binge Across America was published by Penguin Random House in 2017. The book is an experiential, historical and reporting project that looks at ice cream makers and the ice cream industry from across the United States. In a laudatory review, The Wall Street Journal described Sweet Spot as “a surprisingly serious, impressively thorough treatment of ice cream’s cultural significance.”
Ettinger has been interviewed on NPR Marketplace, All Things Considered, Here and Now, and on KQED FM. For the past seven years, Ettinger has worked as a creative writing instructor at Stanford Continuing Studies, teaching essay writing and nonfiction book proposal writing, and helping her students get their work placed in national publications. She stayed busy until the end, teaching her final Stanford course in late February just before starting hospice.
Ettinger began teaching in the Stanford Continuing Studies creative writing program in 2019 and continued teaching after she was diagnosed with leiomyosarcoma, a rare and incurable form of cancer. During her time at Stanford, she taught 14 non-fiction writing classes, including courses like CNF 75: Creative Nonfiction Book: From Idea to Proposal and CNF 76: Pitch and Publish Your Nonfiction Stories.
Her final story for the Washington Post appeared in print on Tuesday, March 19, just one day before she died. She is survived by her daughter, Julianna, and her husband, Dan White, (whom she met while both were working at the Santa Cruz Sentinel,) She is also survived by her brothers Mark and Steve, her uncle Kenny and aunt Mary. A Funeral Service will be held at Los Gatos Memorial Park on Monday, March 25th at 1:30pm. In Lieu of flowers, contributions may be made to Hospice of Santa Cruz County.
“Amy graciously and generously shared her love of writing with students who gravitated to her for her energy, enthusiasm, and unflagging support,” said Malena Watrous, the creative writing coordinator at Stanford Continuing Studies. “She wanted them to know that being a published writer was within the realm of possibility for anyone who was willing to pursue a story and put in the work of getting it on paper and revising it until it shone.”
Ettinger taught two courses in the program until she began hospice care.
She wrote about her experiences with a terminal illness in two pieces for the Washington Post – her final story published in print the day before she died – in which she reflected on some of the meaningful moments during her final months. One of the highlights she shared was teaching at Stanford to the very end of her life.
“Amy had a generous spirit. She never did anything in half measures, whether she was writing a personal essay for the Washington Post or teaching her writing classes at Stanford,” said Ettinger’s husband, Dan White. “She cared very much about her students, and she was so proud of the work they did.”
Helping students find their own sweet spot
Ettinger was an accomplished writer herself.
She began her career writing for the Monterey Bay Herald before becoming a freelance journalist. Her pieces appeared in national outlets including the New York Times, the Washington Post, New York Magazine, Salon, CNN, and Newsweek. In 2017, Ettinger published her own nonfiction book, Sweet Spot: An Ice Cream Binge Across America (Penguin Random House).
“Amy loved to connect to large audiences with her writing, but teaching added a whole new dimension to her career,” said White. “She loved the idea of helping students demystify the process of getting published and writing proposals, or removing some of the fear factor and help them consider the perspective of the editors and publishers who would be looking at their work.”
Ettinger encouraged her Stanford Continuing Studies students to find their own sweet spot. Ettinger’s classes filled with both new and returning students, including Alyssa Lauren Stone who took two courses with Ettinger in 2022.
Within months of working with Ettinger, Stone published her own work in well-known news outlets. She credits her early success to working with Ettinger, particularly her advice on pitching compelling ideas to editors.
“Amy had a real knack for knowing what stories editors like,” Stone said. “Amy was a generous teacher who did not hold back from sharing her tools for success.” Ettinger was also a mentor to another instructor in the Stanford Continuing Studies creative writing program, Gregg Wrenn.
“Amy was an extraordinary creative nonfiction instructor who gave me the emotional support and editorial expertise I needed to finish my memoir,” said Wren. “Her work touched hundreds of students just like me who will miss her deeply.”
Amy Jordan Ettinger Obituary – Santa Cruz, CA (1974-2024) (santacruzsentinel.com)
I am dying at age 49. Here’s why I have no regrets.© Family photo
Story by Amy Ettinger • 10mo
When I found out I had Stage 4 uterine leiomyosarcoma, a rare and aggressive cancer. Doctors said I may have just a few months to live. Treatment could buy me a little extra time, but not much. My disease was advanced and incurable. My prognosis had left me shocked, sad, angry and confused. I wake up some mornings raging at the universe, feeling betrayed by my own body, counting the years and the milestones I expected to enjoy with my family.
I am leaving behind a husband and 14-year-old daughter I adore, and a writing and teaching career I’ve worked so hard to build. I’ve been thinking a lot about my life, and in addition to the horror, a surprising feeling has taken hold: I am dying at age 49 without any regrets about the way I’ve lived my life.
I learned that lasting love is about finding someone who will show up for you
In my teen years, I fell hard for a boy who broke my heart, not just once, but half a dozen times. It was an obsessive first crush, the kind that made me stop eating and sleeping. He broke up with me and we got back together many times in high school.
The feeling was addictive, although it made me miserable. Even after I graduated, I could not get him out of my head. His story ended tragically — he took his own life at age 21. His death was heartbreaking, but my fraught relationship with him, and the traumatic aftermath, taught me what I ultimately wanted in love — safety, support, fun and adventure.
I needed a partner who would help me feel good about myself, someone steady, reliable, and free from all that romantic drama. A few years later, I met my future husband, who was insecure and grappling with his own worries. Dan was smart, bookish, funny and kind.
His love for me was constant and never in question. He was a writer, but instead of being competitive with me, he supported my career. Dan and I have been together 25 years, never having broken up or even separated, even for a day.
I pursued my dream career with passion
“No one can make a career out of writing.” It was a statement I heard from almost everyone I knew, from teachers to parents to concerned friends. I was told I would face a life of rejection and begging for late paychecks. To ease my depression, I volunteered to help dying people
But I knew I could not survive waking up each day to the morning commute and heading to a 9-to-5 office job under fluorescent lights. I like to be in charge of my own life and schedule. When I wanted to write a reported history about ice cream in America, some people laughed. “I can see it as a magazine story, not as a book,” one agent wrote me.
Vanilla, Chocolate, Strawberry and … Oyster? A Year of Ice Cream | KQED
And yet I went on to land a contract with Penguin Random House to travel the country, eating ice cream, gathering research, interviewing Jerry from Ben & Jerry’s, and riding around on the back of an ice cream truck through the streets of Bensonhurst, N.Y. The book contract was lucrative, and the publication of “Sweet Spot: An Ice Cream Binge Through America” opened up opportunities I never expected, like being on NPR and teaching creative nonfiction writing.
Family adopts abandoned babies, learns years later they’re biological siblings
In the last few years, I have been able to mentor and coach dozens of promising writers. In return, these students, with their sincerity and soaring ambitions, helped revitalize my own writing, reminding me why I went into this business in the first place.
I have never had a bucket list; instead I said ‘yes’ to life
I’ve always tried to say yes to the voice that tells me I should go out and do something now, even when that decision seems wildly impractical. A few years ago, with very little planning, my family and I got in a car and drove 600 miles to a goat farm in central Oregon, where we camped out for four days to watch a solar eclipse. I once jetted off to Germany on two days’ notice, spending a week exploring Dresden and hiking through the Black Forest.
Amy Ettinger and her daughter waiting for the eclipse in 2017.© Dan White
“Money always comes back, but if you miss out on an experience, the opportunity may never come back.” This has been my mantra since I met Dan. Even when our bank account was low on funds, we decided to move to New York City to pursue our writing dreams. It was ridiculously hard at first, but it worked out because we gave ourselves no other choice.
I’m a good saver but things like retirement accounts were never important to me. When given a choice between taking a family trip to Kauai or squirreling money into a 401(k), I always chose to head for the islands.
Amy Ettinger and Julianna White at an Elton John concert in October 2022.© Dan White
I found people in my life who can accept me as I am.
I don’t try to hide who I am or apologize for it. I am a bit of a hermit. I am sure I have hurt people’s feelings with my behavior from time to time by ducking out of parties early or choosing not to go to Happy Hour. I have spent very little time worrying about it. I think it’s more important to find people who get me and accept me than want to change me. I have done my best to avoid people who come at me with unreasonable expectations. And because I don’t have to spend any time covering up my real self, my friendships are genuine. Since my diagnosis, I’ve had a chance to tell my friends how much I love them. They’ve told me that, too, and I deeply feel it.
Amy Ettinger on her most recent birthday, May 15, 2023.© Dan White
I live where I want even though the numbers never add up
I love spending time in the redwoods and by the ocean. Just a few months ago, I was walking four miles a day along the sweeping ocean coastline at West Cliff Drive where I could see surfers and otters frolicking, and humpback whales lunge-feeding just off the shoreline. This became my everyday routine.
My favorite spots are within a 10-minute drive of my house, and most are still accessible even as my energy continues to drop off as the cancer spreads through my body. The flip side of this dream life is the cost. My family and I live in one of the most unaffordable places in America.
Dan and I have talked dozens of times about uprooting, but my friends and our writing community are in Santa Cruz, and my daughter loves her friends and her school, so my husband and I have chosen to stay. My family will never own a house — at least not in my lifetime — but at least I am dying around people who love me and are bringing me meals when I need them. These are people who are willing to show up for me no matter what. And I know they will show up for my husband and daughter, even after I am gone.
The end of my life is coming much too soon, and my diagnosis can at times feel too difficult to bear. But I’ve learned that life is all about a series of moments, and I plan to spend as much remaining time as I can savoring each one, surrounded by the beauty of nature and my family and friends. Thankfully, this is the way I’ve always tried to live my life. Amy Ettinger was an author and creative writing instructor living in Northern California.
Ettinger was an occasional contributor to Kveller, the Jewish family website that is a Jewish Telegraphic Agency partner. There she wrote about her mother’s kugel recipe (“light brown on its crispy top, and the color of milky coffee in the middle”), and how she, as a “non-observant Jew,” marked Yom Kippur — which in 2013 happened to fall on her 10th wedding anniversary.
“Like Yom Kippur, a wedding anniversary is a time to take a step back from your daily life — to weigh the good and bad, to contemplate your triumphs and missteps, to make a vow to do better individually and as a couple,” she wrote. Articles by Amy Ettinger’s Profile | Business Insider, HuffPost, The Washington Post Journalist | Muck Rack
Opinion: A California mom asks, what will remain for our kids after the storm? | CNN
100 Year-Old Nutrition Professor: 7 Keys to Longevity | Dr. John Scharffenberg (youtube.com)
‘My Husband Was Hospitalized, I Didn’t Tell People Why’ – Newsweek
Golden State Plate: Rocky Road Ice Cream’s Bumpy History | KQED
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