The Gaffigan family dealt with the medical crisis with some gallows humor.
How a brain tumor altered their family dynamic forever
by Lee Woodruff, AARP, March 12, 2020
En español | For a couple who make their living in comedy, there was nothing remotely humorous about Jeannie Gaffigan’s diagnosis of a life-threatening pear-shaped brain tumor in 2017.
That stunning diagnosis in the doctor’s office was when the world stopped turning for
the hyper-organized and hugely competent mother of five and wife and writing partner of popular comedian Jim Gaffigan. A very scary pear-shaped bomb had just been tossed into their jam-packed lives.
“In addition to making deals with God,” says Jeannie,
“All I wanted to do was live and be a Victoria’s Secret model.”
Jeannie Gaffigan’s book When Life Gives You Pears is her witty and honest take on what happened when an unexpected tumor forced the couple into a Freaky Friday switcheroo. Suddenly Mom was the patient and Dad had to take over as caregiver and main parent-in-charge in the midst of fear, grief and uncertainty.
Or, as she says with humor, “Jim understood what it’s like to be Jeannie and Jeannie understood what it’s like to be in bed and have other people wait on you.”
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This book is about so many universal themes: love, family, faith and coming out the other side with a different perspective. But at its heart, Jeannie writes honestly about the issue that plagues so many mothers and caregivers, that unrelenting pressure we put on ourselves to do it all and do it our way.
It’s the story of how illness and bed rest forced her to confront her “demons and control freak nature” and helped the Gaffigan family “make pear-ade out of pears.”
While Jeannie lay in the hospital, she knew Jim lacked the skills to deal with the home front. “He was like, ‘What are the names of the kids’ teachers? Wait, what are the kids’ names?’” she jokes. “But he stepped up in big ways. This kind of triage changed our team-ship, and we got stronger through it.”
In any crisis, the unimportant things tend to fall away. During her hospitalization and complicated recovery from the removal of the benign tumor, Jeannie was incapable of running the household like a well-oiled machine. Watching Jim, her extended and immediate family and her friends handle it all made her realize that her priorities
were out of whack. “Maybe the machine didn’t need that much oil to work,” she concludes.
By doing everything for everyone, she had taken the power away from her family to do for themselves, she says. As she healed, Jeannie resolved to make a change, while simultaneously providing the scaffolding for her five children, the eldest of whom was becoming a teenager. “We were heading into the age,” Jeannie jokes, “that moms need
to constantly smell their breath for crack.”
Jeannie’s constant whirl of doing was self-imposed.
“My execution of the never-ending to-do list was not because Jim was dumping all the work on me, or the kids were lazy or no one else could do it. It gave me a false sense of fulfillment to be needed,” she explains.
“Removing the mama bear from the caregiver role helped everyone around me,
especially Jim, discover their innermost power and figure out how to make their own damned porridge,” says Jeannie. “Aside from the hospital and recovery part, the brain tumor was literally the best thing that ever happened to me.”
“I was a hugely imperfect caregiver. It’s not an easy role, social secretary, maid, cook, nurse … but honestly it was a privilege.” — Jim Gaffigan
The experience also rearranged her husband’s priorities. “Jim would tell me over and
over that the only thing that mattered was that I get better,” Jeannie says. But she had an additional worry: There was so much pressure on his shoulders that he was “decidedly not funny.” She felt guilty, worrying that her brain tumor and Jim’s need to take on more might permanently change him in negative ways.
“Jim loves his career, and part of the reason our marriage and family works are that he’s able to stand on a stage and make people laugh. That is literally his therapy,” Jeannie says.
Jim’s eyes were opened to the quiet army of people who minister to loved ones every day. “I was a hugely imperfect caregiver,” he says. “It’s not an easy role, social secretary, maid, cook, nurse … but honestly it was a privilege. It made me realize how many people are toiling quietly and how few share their absolute fears or how they stayed sane. I worried constantly about how she would come out the other end, if she ever came back.”
How did the experience change Jim? “I gained insight and compassion. I’m a nerd who is interested in different cultures and experiences, but the caregiving role makes people more human. Being forced into another role brought me back and focused me on the home.”
In the wake of the tumor, Jeannie has found ways to cultivate the generosity shown to her by the community. Doing ambitious service projects with the kids was part of her “bargain with God” before she could even walk. She was determined that her children stay close to the importance of giving back. She founded the Imagine Society, a nonprofit that connects youth-led service projects.
“I’m thankful for this new perspective,” says Jeannie, who is in good health and back to her crazy-busy life, now including frequent medical checkups. “If the pear fruit is indeed a metaphor for life, my old life was a rock-hard pear that cut well with nice sharp angles, but the flavor was lacking. Now it’s a misshapen, overripe pear that mushes under the knife. But the juice is the sweetest thing you’ll ever taste.”
So, what’s her best advice for anyone out there who gets thrown a pear-shaped curveball?
Spend more quality time with your loved ones.
Spread goodness.
Execute numbers 1 and 2 without getting a brain tumor.
And in an apt metaphor of how life has returned to normal in the Gaffigan household, Jeannie describes Jim’s habit of discarding his socks everywhere: “Even now, when I’m literally crawling under his desk to pick up his socks, I start to get mad and then I remember what he did for me. Every marriage should undergo a switcheroo, maybe just not with the brain tumor part.”
Jim Gaffigan’s Wife Jeannie on Discovering She Had a Brain Tumor the Size of an Apple: ‘I Was a Ticking Time Bomb’
Jeannie Gaffigan Brain Tumor Symptoms She Explained Away (moms.com)
For months, Jeannie Gaffigan brushed off her recurring headaches, dizziness and coughing fits, blaming the symptoms as byproducts of life as a working mom of five.
It wasn’t until she began to lose her hearing, however, that Jeannie – the wife of
comedian and actor Jim Gaffigan – decided to push for answers, ultimately learning the unimaginable: she had a tumor the size of an apple wrapped around her brain stem.
“I was a ticking time bomb, waiting to be paralyzed,” Jeannie, 47, says in this week’s issue of PEOPLE.
It was a benign papilloma of the choroid plexus that had likely been growing for over a year, says her surgeon, Dr. Joshua Bederson, Professor and System Chair Department of Neurosurgery at The Mount Sinai Health System in New York City.
“All function of the brain passes through the brainstem and out into the body,”
Bederson explains. “And her brain stem was compressed.”
Jeannie and Jim, 50, say a “miracle” led them to Bederson.
After their initial shock wore off, the couple mobilized, reaching out to friends and family, who suggested they turn to the neurosurgery team at Mount Sinai.
“We found the top guy,” says Jeannie. “But we had no expectation that we could get him.”
The couple planned to walk into the hospital’s emergency room with their scans in hand, but through connections were able to meet immediately with Bederson, whose scheduled operation had – in a twist of fate – been delayed.
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On April 18, Jeannie went into surgery, which took over nine hours and involved cutting-edge virtual and augmented reality technology.
It was ultimately a success.
“We were prepped for the understanding that good news would be like,
‘We got 85 percent of it,’ says Jim. “But they removed all the tumor, and
there was no damage to her 12 cranial nerves.”
As long as there’s no residual tumor found at Jeannie’s three-month,
post-operative MRI, Bederson says, “she should be cured.”
Unfortunately, recovery hasn’t been easy. Jeannie battled aspiration pneumonia before returning home, where she’s now recuperating with a temporary tracheotomy and feeding tube in place.
“The progress has been pretty amazing, but we’re far from normal,” admits Jim.
Still, the pair say the entire ordeal has reaffirmed their faith and helped them understand the importance of compassion.
“My whole life has changed,” says Jeannie. “The people who have come out of this have shown me how loved I am.”
Adds Jim of the response from friends, family – and fans, “People are so generous,
it’s really made me believe that there’s hope for humanity.”
The couple praises all of the physicians and doctors who helped them – including Bederson, Dr. David Godin, Dr. Pamela Hops and PA Leslie Schlachter – and say
they hope others will learn to prioritize their personal health.
Says Jeannie, “I want to help people get through the worst news that you can get.”
Lawrence Welk’s TV Treasures (PBS Special 2007) – Complete HD – YouTube