This ‘Dying’ Person’s Advice: Living Will Give You Reasons To Love Your Life
They say you don’t value things till you lose them– life isn’t an exception either.
It’s easy for us to say that we take life for granted. We crib about insignificant things and fail to notice the beauty in everything around us. You know what serves as a wake-up call? The realization of the fact that we’re all here for a very, very limited time. We’re all like cartons of milk with an expiry date!
Step back and look at things from a humbling perspective because life is indeed too short and frankly, you never know when things could start going downhill.
A Quora user asked an existential question – As a dying person, what is your advice to the living? While all of us were expecting normal answers like travel as if there is no tomorrow, finish your bucket list, be nice to people etc, there was one answer that’ll bring tears to our eyes.
User Ossama Suleiman narrated his story — how he battled with cancer, doctors gave up on him and how he gave up on life. 8 years later, he’s still alive to tell his story and how he found the meaning of life all over again. https://www.facebook.com/ossama.suleiman
Diagnosed with glioblastoma, a grade 4 brain cancer, Ossama Suleiman was only given a couple of months to live, a year if he was lucky, but that was eight years ago.
What changed? He decided to do things that made him happy/ He worked on himself, travelled, exercised, met friends, gave up on people who didn’t make him happy, spent time with family and worked really hard. He writes, all doctors have is stats, but aren’t we all living in a time frame anyway? Live like there’s no tomorrow.
Ossama Suleiman’s 8 Year Glioblastoma Brain cancer Survivor story *.
In 2014 I was diagnosed with stage IV metastatic lung cancer that had already spread to lymph nodes and pleural sac. I started with some nasty chemotherapy that wiped out my white and red blood cell counts. I developed some major and minor infections including a lung abcess that required a hospital stay. I had several blood transfusions. My fatigue was terrible and I had to go on medical leave from work a couple of months after starting treatment. The treatment worked and soon I felt almost normal. Went back to work. I’ve had numerous treatments since then; some worked some didn’t.
I’ve run out of options that insurance will cover for chemo or immunotherapy treatment and the cancer has spread very aggressively to my brain and I get zapped by radiation beams frequently (which works 80–90% of the time). Still the brain begins to resemble Swiss cheese and at some point vital tissue will be eaten by cancer or killed by the rads.
I’ve lost about a quarter of the feeling and function in my feet and had to adjust to that. No footraces for me 🙂
I left work a few months ago because with the brain issue I thought my function would degrade and I didn’t want to be a burden to my co-workers and I was so encouraged by upper management to focus on my illness with their blessing. I work for the best rated technology company to work for in the US as ranked by Fortune Magazine and they deserve it.
What I have is 100% terminal. I am now in the 2% percentile for survival with the brain metastases alone.
I go into such detail to outline my situation.
I have always been the type of person who sees adversity as a challenge, like a game to be won. It’s just my personality. I take it pretty lightly most of the time; it’s a fun way to be.
When this first started I was a bit pensive and reflective. I’ve always been agnostic so I didn’t re-examine my beliefs or ask God for help – just not wired that way. I then tried to live as normally as possible. I have a wife and three grown children who rely on me and a focus has been making sure I can be there for them now and after the inevitable.
Oddly I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been scared. Concerned, yes, and I consider the side effects a pain in the rear. But I’m not scared and I don’t act that way and it’s not an act. I question myself all the time about this. I make dark jokes all the time and respond to cancer issues with jokes. Examples: A guy who sells flowers sold me some flowers that I was concerned would wilt quickly.
A few days later I was going to lunch with friends and the seller got into the elevator and asks “Not dead yet?” We all stared silent at him and he turned white and started stammering an apology. I just started laughing and told him it was OK and my friends slowly started to laugh and take the faux pas lightly. The tension passed. Recently an old friend told me she thought something I had written was smart and would continue to be for other writings. I replied “Not for long :-)” A joke but reality.
I am a bit debilitated and everyone knows it. I know the deal with protected medical privacy but except for very private issues I’m very open with all aspects of my disease and treatment and effects. I’m not embarrassed…. to ask for help or accommodation when I need it. And I think partially because of my attitude everyone jumps to help me out.
As I mentioned I recently left work on leave which would have become permanent this week. Top management at the company considers me brave. Maybe the casual attitude. Maybe the jokes. I don’t know why. But they have bent over backwards. They have decided to keep me on the roles as active with full pay and benefits. I didn’t ask for that but it allows me to live my same lifestyle and not be driven broke by medical costs.
In fact everyone is in awe of my attitude and think that I’m incredibly brave. It’s embarrassing. I’m not brave. I’m just wired this way like people you hear about who run into a burning building without a thought or the guys who rushed armed terrorists on a train barehanded. They chuckle and act sheepishly in interviews when told they’re are brave heroes they are and I suspect that it’s because they don’t understand the whole bravery thing. They just reacted. I just react.
I pulled some financial tricks that netted us enough money to supplement the lifestyle a bit. Helping our grown children. Buying little things we’ve needed or wanted.
And you know? Like Ossama said once you’ve settled and have relieved yourself of concerns outside of your health it’s great! I can tinker all day with a computer issue or order a weird kitchen appliance and play with or play a complex and time intense computer game or binge watch a Netflix series with my wife.
We recently took a road trip for a weekend at the Kennedy Space Center. The night we got there we ate dinner at a beachside little bar and grill with a funny and snarky 1-man band and it was the most fun out we’d had in ages. We had to skip the KSC tour because of a family crisis but still that trip is a very fond memory for both of us. And the crisis worked out OK.
Avoiding boredom is the only real problem but I’ll solve that one real soon 🙂 I mentioned I am competitive? This is my video game; Me versus cancer and I’m shooting for a high score. Because I’m “brave” lol.
But I’m not a robot. I get short-tempered and cranky at times. I know deep-down some part of me is depressed because I show signs that I recognize from a period of clinical depression I had many years ago. I tear up at hokey contrived scenes in movies. Stuff like that.
The title question is a bit vague. Advice on how to cope with finding out you’re dying or how to treat people who are? Or something more metaphysical which I suck at?
My Advice to the Living, as a Dying Person!!!
Treat your nurses and administrative staff like family. Bring them chocolates and snacks and little things from time-to-time. They deserve it. They become emotionally involved with your treatment and are more open and honest with you because of it. Just don’t expect nor ask for special treatment. Be open and friendly with your doctors. Ask them about and keep up with as much of their lives as they’ll share. Spouses names, children’s names, likes/dislikes. Study up and learn as much as you can about your condition so that you can ask intelligent questions. It’ll promote honesty and they won’t be afraid to sugarcoat things.
Do not become a burden to friends and family if you can help it. Stay light-hearted. Talk about your condition openly and honestly if asked. Don’t obsess over it. Do everything you can to change focus to other things. When they stop treating you different you know you’re doing something right. When your spouse starts yelling at you for forgetting an item at the grocery store you’ve got it down.
If someone shows genuine concern and you know it’s bothering them make a joke.
Like Ossama said keep busy. Do things that you love to do “off the clock”. Meaning do what you love, adopt a hobby but make sure no one depends on your deliverables or there are hard timelines or other conditions. Make no hard commitments unless you are 100% able to do them. I had to miss a friends wedding because I was physically unable to do it and it tore my guts out. I committed when I should have been “maybe” all along.
Treat everyone better and go overboard in that with close friends and family. Better to be remembered as “that nice guy” then “nasty bastard”.
Ensure to the best of your ability that those who rely on you will be taken care of, preferably in a way that is normalized as closely as possible to what you do now.
Don’t just dump money on them; I’ve seen people who didn’t handle that well and the end result was not good. Organize small one-time charity or help charitable groups for people who suffer what you do.
For example I asked my co-workers and friends for donations to buy snacks and treats for people stuck in a chair for hours during chemo (and those helping with them as well because they often have to skip meals and breaks). There are few decent snack foods at hospitals because they frown on salty or sugary treats. I delivered the purchased results to the head of the chemo room and she was so thrilled and told me later it made a lot of people happy. It cost me little money or time and the return on investment was awesome.
Get rid of things that will become burdens or dangers to your loved ones. I drove a high-performance car that my wife was scared to death of and her car was drowned in Hurricane Irma. I traded mine in for a cute little two seat sports car that lacked the scary parts. We both love it and when I go it won’t be a problem for her. Never show them if it bothers you to do these things. Make it sound like you were happy to do something because it made you happy.
Be a good person. That’ll give folks comfort and fond memories long after you stop caring.
My short advice to those who are healthy dealing with a close one who isn’t is to pick up clues on how to treat them from how they act. Don’t press. Friends and family want to travel to visit and I know they think it’s a last chance or whatever. I hate that but others might appreciate it. Pick up on the emotional clues.
I’m sorry I’ve been so long-winded but after four years I’ve learned a lot about coping. How to deal with others. How to prepare. I’ve just scratched the surface; books have been written on this topic by experts and I’m no expert.
