STRONGER THAN THAT

Than That

What is a survivor? 🏻🏻

Clinically defined as “A person who survives, especially a person remaining alive after an event in which others have died…the remainder of a group of people or things….a person who copes well with difficulties in their life.”
After receiving a stage IV colon cancer diagnosis, knowing that I have metastatic disease, was I a survivor? This is a question many of us who have been diagnosed with cancer, especially in the late stages, struggle to answer.
Being indoctrinated into the “cancer world” the past three years, I have witnessed the term survivor debated many times. Are you a survivor while you are treating your cancer actively? Are you a survivor if you have been given a terminal diagnosis? At what point do you magically gain the title of “Cancer Survivor” and declare that you’re one of the lucky ones to have surpassed the odds and survived this dreaded disease?

I’ve struggled for the past couple of years to call myself a cancer survivor. Would I jinx myself if I adopted that title? Was I actually a survivor if I felt horrible every day, felt broken and didn’t believe I was one yet? Would I announce “I survived” only to have my title stripped after the next quarterly scan? This is the emotional roller coaster that occurs with a cancer diagnosis. I’ve never had any qualms about retelling my story, however I’ve always had a phobia in regards to utilizing the term survivor.

That was until last week.

I purchased this pair of boxing gloves quite a while ago. I had just finished treatment and was cautiously hopeful I’d remain in the “luckiest of the unlucky group” and stay in remission, however I was scared and quite pensive. I was still optimistic that against all odds I’d remain cancer free but part of me was just “waiting for the other shoe to drop.” I purchased the gloves on a whim with a grand vision that IF I could stay cancer free I could don the blue boxing gloves and take some “eye of the tiger”, Rocky-style pics to celebrate defeating cancer and spread hope to those in fight of their lives.

Only problem is I could never bring myself to actually be photographed with them. I couldn’t accept I was actually a survivor. I did not believe I could or should declare I was a survivor because most days I didn’t feel like I survived. The “old me” died, and the shell of what was left behind …. had to start putting the pieces back together again. I had remained alive, lived see another day, but I hadn’t survived.

Since I purchased these gloves two years ago, I have tried to live my life with gusto and meaning. I’ve strived to put back together the pieces of me that were broken and stolen. To heal, cry, grieve, laugh, accept and live with hope. I have worked very hard to seize every moment or every day. From going to the park with our kids to heading to my next doctor’s appointment, I make it count — every day. It has been harder on me physically and mentally than I could ever imagined.

Cancer and the treatment truly wreaks havoc on your body. Picture several car crashes happening back to back. Radiation, chemo, radiation, surgery, more surgery, more chemo. The fallout (no pun) is devastating to your body. The treatment easily aged my body 20 years, and mentally there was a lot of PTSD and fear to work through as well. I had “survived” but I didn’t feel like the old ME at all. Mentally and physically I was tired and needed to work on rebuilding both my body and mind. I worked very hard to truly survive and thrive.

After two long years, I am finally able to accept and proudly use the term survivor. No matter what happens, recurrence or remission, I AM A SURVIVOR! Survival is more than just living, it’s finding your “new normal” after treatment. It’s finding yourself again, moving past all the fear and anger and embracing this new post-cancer body and life. It’s acknowledging you were dealt the crappiest of hands, but instead of asking “why me?” I can declare “why not me?” I choose to live in the moment and live each day to the fullest. Worrying about what might happen in the future only robs me of the joy I can experience today, and acknowledging I’m not I control brings me comfort. So, for today, for the rest of my days, I am a now referring to myself a survivor.

And to all my friends still in the fight, you are my heroes. We all have been through what I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, but you put one foot in front of the other every day. That is survival. That is courage and hope and determination all rolled into one. They are the ones I will always be in awe of, and I am also so proud of my survivor friends for the sacrifices they make just to stay alive. Cancer, you will NEVER take that from me or from any of us. No matter what you throw our way, we will ALWAYS be survivors.
Carpe Diem
‪#‎youngsurvivorsweek‬
‪#‎nevertooyoung‬

**Thank you to our friend, Jeff, for capturing this moment in time so brilliantly. It was emotional but wonderful.
I hope to send these gloves around the country and back. Keep an eye out for my

friends with gloves. Cancer, we are coming to get you!
‪#‎togetherwearestrong

Preview YouTube video Craig Campbell Writes Stronger Than That | Fight Colorectal Cancer